Eating While On the Toilet: An Essay

Sometimes in life, you have conversations that shape your life, mold your world view. I remember those conversations in college where you'd stay up until 4am solving the world's problems, life's problems, and how you're gonna take the world by its balls, put them in your pocket and be a force of nature. Those are fun conversations. This is one of those discussions... 

What do you think is more disgusting: eating a sandwich or a bowl of chili on the toilet? 

I'm beyond aroused.

I'm not advocating eating in general on the toilet, but I do want to explore the level of degree. Most people would say the sandwich. With good reason! You’re HOLDING an item with your bare hands and eventually eating said sandwich surface when you get to the end of the sandwich. Bread is porous and may absorb the smells you are creating. Who wants to eat Shit Bread? I don’t. It’s also a sad, sad, sight to behold if you are ever walked in on in the bathroom. I will give you the fact that a bologna sandwich may be less disgusting than say, a tuna sandwich, but now we're just splitting hairs. I'm merely comparing the vehicles of food.

The bowl of chili (or cereal, soup, et al), I feel, is more disgusting. First of all, you are bringing hardware into the equation. You’re holding a soup bowl, spoon, and if you’re super-classy, a saucer underneath said bowl. If the chili or soup is hot, you'll burn your exposed legs! This is exactly why the sandwich, with all its pitfalls, is a better option. Other than the soon-to-be-leavings, there is no evidence of your meal. With a bowl of chili, you have, minimum, a bowl and spoon to be mindful of. Since you’re already lazy and eating at the shitter, what do you think is going to happen? You’re gong to leave the bowl next to the commode, or worse yet, leave it in the bathroom sink. You already leave your dishes in the kitchen sink, so what makes you think you’re going to transport all this to a sink far, far away? You won’t and it’s going into the bathroom sink. Sure, you’ll eventually bring it to the kitchen or to the dishwasher, but you’ll slip up eventually and leave it behind when you have guests. When your hopeful-ladyfriend comes by and makes this discovery, you’ll have a lot of ‘splaining to do, Lucy.

Should’ve gone with the sandwich!