The Ability to Leap Tall Buildings

I always grew up believing I was special. Mr. Rogers beat it into my head every day. But not special in my own personal uniqueness, but deeper than that. I was special in that I possessed some quality, some trait that nobody else had. I just didn’t know what that was. 

I always had this incredibly self-absorbed idea as a child that I was in the middle of a TV show. I was the star and everyone else were actors... or maybe even robots. Somewhere, somehow, an audience was watching. I think I made up my own theme song, and the show was called “Tom ’87” and so forth. Mind you, I didn’t believe it, but it was more of a what-if scenario. Imagine my surprise when that very same idea was the basis for “The Truman Show” when it came out in 1998, about ten to twelve years after my robot-TV concept. 

So, maybe my life wasn’t being broadcast to some faraway audience (I think), but I still had the dream that I had some sort of talent, unique trait, or super power that nobody else had. I’m not the only kid to daydream about these things. How many times have you heard a story of some kid hurting himself because he thought he was Superman and tried to fly off the roof of their house? At least I knew better and used my bed as a testing ground first. You can understand why we dream. Being able to fly would be awesome. X-ray vision would be incredible. By the way, how creepy was it that whenever x-ray glasses were advertise in Mad Magazine, or the last few pages of Boy’s Life (if you were in, or knew someone in the Boy Scouts), those glasses were on some dude checking out some woman’s undergarments. Is this what a twelve year-old boy would do with these glasses?  Check out girls’ underwear? Now that I think of it, it would be. No question.

I hope my super powers are
better than Meg Griffin's

When kids dream about these things, it’s just that. Dreams. As you get older, our super powers are relegated to more human capabilities. Downing four shots in a row and not throwing up, eating a family size bag of potato chips inside one hour, belching the national anthem, and bedding the next door neighbor thanks to your slick moves and offer of pot.  You know... important stuff (I could’ve been sappy and said a super power could be “being a great dad” but c’mon, I’m trying to entertain). However, over the last three months, I discovered not one, but two super powers I possess. 

My first super power is quite simple. I have the ability to choose the wrong line at the supermarket. No matter what line I pick, something always goes wrong. I’ll get stuck behind an elderly couple who can’t swipe their credit card correctly, someone has an issue with their kumquats, or there’s a till change that for some reason take an incredible amount of time and I just want to pay for the two items I’m purchasing. The superpower is in effect about sixty percent of the time. That ratchets up to about ninety-five percent during holiday shopping. Even if I had the option of using that super power for evil, I’d have no idea how I would. 

My second super power was confirmed just hours ago: For the 2010 season, I decided the fate of the Pittsburgh Steelers. During the season, the more I rooted for the steelers to lose, the more they won. If I was indifferent, or resigned myself that they were going to win the game, they lost. Since I hate the Steelers (some of that hatred, outlined during this podcast), I didn’t want them winning the Super Bowl, but that exact hatred would lead to their victory. So how did I ensure satisfaction no matter the result? I bet money on the Steelers to win. I don’t bet money. I don’t gamble, aside from my poker playing days. But I figured if they won, and I had money on them, then I get a nice chunk of change as a nice way to compensate for the shitty behavior I’ll have to endure from all the Steeler fans I know. If the Packers win, then I paid fifty dollars for knowledge of  my super powers and bring down an entire fan base through my newly confirmed powers. And after the Steelers couldn’t convert 4th-and-5 a few hours ago, I may have lost a crisp fifty dollar bill, but it was worth knowing the powers that I hold. You would easily fork over fifty bucks if it mean you knowing a hidden talent or super power! You’d do it in a heartbeat. 

I know that the super power theory is bullshit. I can’t possibly decide the fate of an entire football team or have the elderly have their minds go to mush when they are checking out a six-pack of Ensure at the store. It is fun to think and to daydream “what if”. What if you are that exceptional person, a one-percenter? It does stop and make you think what have you done with that exceptional quality of yours... if you think you have one. Did you use it for good? For evil? For anything? Do we have an obligation to do so if you were aware of such things? It almost sound like the political debate we’re having now. Share your super powers with the world, or keep them for yourself? I bet no one would call you a socialist if you did share your powers by using your Spidey-sense to capture the bad guys. 

I still dream of realizing my super powers and secret talents. Maybe I can knit an awesome blanket in twenty minutes or hone my craft of weaving through pedestrian traffic in crowded areas? We all have in some small way our own super powers that we either take for granted or just don’t realize how awesome our "super powers" are. I still wonder and dream if I already know my powers or they are still waiting to be discovered. I do not desire the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, stop a speeding train, or have x-ray vision. 

Although super speed would be really, really cool.