Thursday, December 9, 2010

Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

I just watched Bing Crosby tap dance with Danny “Fuckin’” Kaye. My second straight night of Christmas movie watching had me watching “White Christmas” for the first time. I’m not too much into musicals, but I think Bing Crosby is fantastic and that man was built to sing Christmas Carols. It’s the middle of the Christmas season, and there is no better time of the year.

When you’re a little kid, Christmas is just magical. Santa, snow, presents, food, and the lights... everywhere there were Christmas lights! Lights on the tree, lights in the windows, and lights in the street just made that time of year pop. All you cared about were not being in school and wondering what Santa was going to bring you. The anticipation drove you nuts. I would have my Christmas list ready right after Thanksgiving. I had my many requests consisting of the newest video games, He-Man figures, Matchbox cars, baseball cards, etc. It wasn’t so much of a request as it was a wish. And 98% of the time, your wish came true. To me, it was magic. Santa brought me my reward after having yet another year of being a good boy. To think back on it, it’s really a small window of being fully immersed in that Christmas magic. My nephew is three and a half years-old and he’s just starting to figure out this whole Santa thing and comprehend it. How much longer does he have until the bubble bursts and he realizes what’s really going on? Five years? Seven at best.





You and I both know that the magic of Christmas isn’t lost when you find out that MasterCard has been bankrolling your presents the entire time. It just takes on a different meaning. The anticipation of the day, for me, wasn’t any less. I was well into my teens waking up early on Christmas morning at the crack of 7am to go down the steps to open presents. I would wake my brother and sister and whisper, “Wake up! It’s Christmas!” Tear open into your presents, the not-looking-forward-to-it-at-all trip to church, then the family dinner later in the day. Maybe a long the way we’d make pit stop at a relatives house, or to a family friend’s place to visit their party they had going. Sure, I look back on those moments with fondness, but I guarantee I didn’t want to do any of that shit. I wanted to play with my new toys, damnit! As you get older, your priorities change. Now, you’re not anticipating what Santa left you under the tree, but more anticipating coming home and seeing people you care for, and time off from work. I started to enjoy the overall mood of the holidays. I like walking downtown in the frigid weather and seeing the decorations in town, I like the snow flurries falling, and I especially love the music. Throw on that Nat King Cole Christmas album, the Vince Guaraldi Trio playing Charlie Brown, or even Alvin & the Chipmunks, and it feels so comfortable. It feels right. It’s a time warp back to childhood.

Christmas is a positive time of year. Aside from the abnormally high suicide rates during this time of year, everybody is generally nicer to each other, people volunteer and donate their time more, it is, as Andy Williams sung, the most wonderful time of year. That’s why I get a great kick out of the “War On Christmas” stories that get dug up every year. Seems like trumped up charges to me. Sure, there’s a few dissidents that say Christmas is commercialized, and that the Christ in Christmas is lost. I get that, but what is compromised? Saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” to encompass all the holidays celebrated by most people this time of year? Big fucking deal. You’re telling me that if someone doesn’t wish you good tidings for the exact holiday YOU celebrate, you’re going to be mad? Get your head out of your ass. And by the way, I don’t celebrate Kwanzaa, but I do find it funny when I hear people (as in, I hear someone tell me this past week) that it’s a “made up” holiday. I got news for you: All holidays are made up. With Kwanzaa (and Festivus), we can actually point with certainty when those holidays were created. All the traditional holidays ultimately rely on guesswork from stories orally passed on from hundreds or thousands of years ago. Just sayin’. Seems silly that some people get offended when someone is acting nice towards them. Way to be a douche.



The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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It doesn’t matter if you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, or plain old December 25th, try to not be a miserable bastard during the holiday season. It’s the one time of year everyone is encouraged to suck it up and act civil to each other and actually care for each other as human beings. Try to at least remember the magic of this time of year from when you were a child. If Christmas music or movies do it for you, great. If it’s wrapping presents for Toys for Tots, fantastic. Making a batch of Boilo to get hammered with relatives on the 25th? Godspeed. I’m not even asking to keep the spirit with you the whole year. That’s awfully ambitious, so try to just at least make it ’til January 2nd. Enjoy the holiday season. Try to spend it with the ones you love, see friends and family you haven’t seen in a while, and maybe carve out out some time to get ripped, too (or combine all three!). There’s plenty of time to feel pissed and depressed when that MasterCard bill comes in January.

Current Top 10 Christmas Songs (subject to change on a daily basis)
  1. “The Christmas Song” - Nat King Cole
  2. “Christmas Time Is Here (vocals)” - Vince Guaraldi Trio (A Charlie Brown Christmas)
  3. "Teddi’s Song" - John Mellencamp
  4. “Do You Hear What I Hear?” - Bing Crosby
  5. “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey” - Lou Monte
  6. “Mistletoe and Holly” - Frank Sinatra
  7. “Have A Holly Jolly Christmas” - Burl Ives
  8. “Wonderful Christmastime” - Paul McCartney
  9. ”The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)” - Alvin & the Chipmunks
  10. “Auld Lang Syne” - James Taylor
Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs
  1. “Christmas Shoes” - New Song (w/ Patton Oswalt’s take)
  2. “Feliz Navidad” - Jose Feliciano
  3. “The Twelve Days of Christmas” - All versions and variations
  4. “All I Want for Christmas Is You” - Mariah Carey
  5. “Grandma Got Run Over by A Reindeer” - Elmo & Patsy
Top 5 Christmas Movies/Specials
  1. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
  2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Rankin-Bass)
  3. The Year Without A Santa Claus (Rankin-Bass)
  4. A Christmas Story
  5. Christmas Eve On Sesame Street

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Words That Hurt

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ll get into my lack of blogging in a later post. No reason for it, other than my batteries ran low for all of July and August. I’m sure I could bang out five-hundred words about it, but I won’t bother with that now.

There are some phrases that are driving me batshit crazy. Used, abused, and flat out misused phrases, sayings, and crutches that I hear more and more are driving me up the wall. So, to get back on this blogging horse, I give you my Top Five Most Hated Phrases.


5. “You Talk About A Guy...”
Ok, this one is a bit specialized. Every single time I hear Jack Ham as an analyst for Penn State games on the radio, I swear to God he always starts his sentences with, “You talk about a guy...”
   
        “Great run by Evan Royster, Jack.”
        “You talk about a guy who can run!”

        “Good throw by Rob Bolden.”
        “You talk about a guy who’s coming in as a freshman...”

        “What a hit by Ollie Ogbu! Fourth down!”
        “You talk about a guy with hits, Peter Frampton had quite a few of them in the seventies.”

        “Jack, meet my husband, Martin.”
        “You talk about a guy who brings it in the bedroom night after night...”

You could make the Jack Ham drinking game, and every time he throws out that phrase, you’d be drunk by the beginning of the second quarter. Jack, please fucking stop and find a new crutch. Otherwise, you’re a fantastic announcer.

4. “Having Said That”/“That Being Said”
You can be more economical and just say “but...” or “on the other hand”, but this has become another go to phrase, outed in a very good episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Both phrases are primarily used when you just said something really shitty about someone or something. Having said that, it’s not quite the Get Out of Jail Free Card that’s number two on this list.




3. “At the End of the Day...”
Now you’re just being dramatic. You know what happens at the end of the day? It’s tomorrow! Technically, instead of saying, “At the end of the day, we’re all in it together,” you should say, “Tomorrow, we’re all in it together!” Don’t bother me with your over the top bullshit. Make your point without having to tell me how to end my day. At the end of the day, go fuck yourself.

2. “Just Sayin’...”
“You know what? I never liked you. Not for one bit. I don’t like your team, I don’t like your city. I don’t like you. Just sayin’.” “Just sayin’” is your way of putting a pretty little bow on the turd sandwich you just verbally handed to someone. I see this on facebook all the time. It’s the internet, and we all know people LOVE to argue on the internet. It isn’t a real face-to-face argument, so people get their internet beer muscles going and start spouting off this and that and hide behind their screens for protection. But now, “Just sayin’” is getting tagged at the end as a way to absolve yourself from being a complete dickbag and actually implying you were forced into saying what you think are factual statements. It’s as if you’re just passing along the news and taking zero accountability for said news.

Add “Just sayin’” to just about any awful remark you want, and by golly you have yourself a nice day and thank you for delivering the obvious to everyone involved.


1. It Is What It Is...
The biggest cop out phrase we got going today. I’ve heard from many people that people who use curse words a lot tend to have a small vocabulary. I love to curse. It feels great sometimes to drop a consonant-filled f-bomb in a fit of anger. I get it. And I know people who curse way too much, way too casually, fitting the lack-of-vocabulary theory. But this phrase... you really have nothing to say when you sum up an argument or point of view with this doozy. I’ve even heard and seen people use this as a declarative sentence! Next time someone say to you, in any setting, “It is what it is”, ask them “Well what the fuck is it?” And when they say, “Groceries are getting more expensive,” tell them to say that in the first place instead of making you guess what the hell is on their mind. I understand it’s a nice little summation of what’s going on, but it sounds stupid and makes you stupid for saying it.

You talk about a guy for having said that, that being said, at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Just sayin’.

(Thank you for allowing me to channel my inner Carlin)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I Dream of Peter Cetera

I barely remember any of it.

I dreamed I was in the middle of a divorce with Peter Cetera's ex-wife. It was an amicable divorce, but she was haunted by images of Peter's new blonde bombshell love. Amy, a brunette, never got over him when we got married and she turned into a miserable shrew. I even dreamed of her imagining Peter being happy with his new love. It was the only time he appeared in the dream, via flashback. I was dreaming her dream sequences. The classic dream-within-a-dream. You thought that only happened on sitcoms, didn’t you?

I met her in the old WQWK studio three years ago after vowing never to date another listener ever again. Somehow my current boss knew her and asked if they had met in that old building, too.

I’m pretty sure I know the root of the dream. I’m planning a playlist for pre and post 4th of July music for the station. Chicago’s “Saturday in the Park” is a logical choice. But it is the only Cetera reference I can think of that could’ve triggered the dream. That and maybe the two Woodchuck Summer Ciders I had last night. Maybe.

But look where that led to... divorcing the ex-wife of the frontman for Chicago.

I kept the house.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Evolution of Buttered Ass

When I go out for a ride in my car, I’ll turn my iPod on, hit shuffle, and start skipping through the near two-thousand tracks stored. Sometimes I skip twenty songs in a row before I find something I like for my own personal consumption. In those two-thousand tracks, Sometimes I land on one of the nineteen that are of the greatest band that never made it out of a living room. They were called “Octothorp”.

I was in the band.



Octothorp was Mike Meyers (guitars, vocals, keyboard), Jason Davidson (guitars), Joe Sweeney (drums), and me (keyboard, piano, lead vocals). If you’re wondering just what the hell “Octothorp” is, it’s the official name of the # symbol. Eight fields with a center field. Mike offered it as a name early on, nobody cared, or took it seriously, so we just ran with it. I wish I had a better story for the name of the band.

I met Mike Meyers during the second half of freshman year of high school in Mr. Huber’s music class. Mr. Huber had a habit of showing up to class drunk. He kinda looked a cross between Homer Simpson and Don Music from Sesame Street. He would try to show us “magic” tricks like when he would hold up a finger in each hand, bang them together, and one finger would “magically” move to the other side. That kinda shit. Drunk. When he wasn’t bombed, it would be a very good music history class. He could sure play our school song though. That’s burned into my brain since we had to sing it everyday before class started.

It was during these drunk times, Mike and I would talk. We shared the same music interests and he began showing me music he had written on his own. I remember a title of one of his songs, “The Sands of Time Against the Wind”. If that doesn’t scream “Fifteen year-old shitty poetry”, I don’t know what does. As we talked, he encouraged me to write and so I did. You talk about shitty teenage poetry/lyrics? I was full of them. I usually just unloaded on a spiral copybook during my rides home on the SEPTA bus. I only put one or two songs to music, but mostly it was lyrics. Awful, awful lyrics. I also rarely showed what I had written to anyone, except, maybe, Mike. He wrote, so he understood. He wouldn’t judge or laugh, which are the normal things your friends would do. We had classes from time to time during our high school run. During the times we hung out, I met one of his friends, Jay Davidson, who knew Mike for a while. Eventually, we began discussing jamming together. Mike and Jay were very good on guitar. I’m terrible at piano, but better vocally than them. I know chords to piano and try to play it like a rhythm guitar. I can read music, but not well. I can’t read and play at the same time. I was never like that. I only know enough to amuse myself. Still do. But my knowledge, or just my general interest was enough to get together.

We first jammed in the fall of 1997 in the basement of Jay’s apartment building in Center City, after school. I had told my mom I was staying after school, I just didn’t mention where. Going to Center City by myself on the subway would’ve given her a heart attack. We only gathered there once, but when we did jam, we recorded everything on cassette tape. We did this, “for the eventual Anthology”. It was only myself, Jason, and Mike. We played in a dank basement with cockroaches falling on the drum cymbals and water dripping everywhere. It was awful, and even worse playing. It was awesome. Although we only played for a couple hours, we decided we would have to do this again, but maybe at a better location.

I believe we got together the following spring in ’98. We convened at Mike Meyers’ dad’s place on Castor Avenue in the lower northeast. he was at work for most of the day, as were the neighbors. We all had off on a weekday, as it was Spring Break for all of us in college. I was going to Penn State Abington at the time, so I had not yet moved up to University Park. I brought along Joe Sweeney, who worked with me at Genuardi’s, a local supermarket chain. He brought his whole drum kit, and I remember going over some Billy Joel songs we were going to play, along with maybe Pink Floyd, or Genesis, whatever was vaguely familiar to us. We had the whole day to jam.

The living room setup was a drum kit, two or three guitars, keyboard, microphones everywhere, and all feeding into a four-track mixer and a two-track cassette recorder. I don’t know where Mike got all the equipment, but he had it. It took about two hours to setup once we arrived around 8:30am. Not fun at all, especially that early in the morning when you’re supposed to have the week off from school. We ran through a bunch of songs. I sang on most of them, even though I barely knew the words. When the other guys started to jam, I tried to follow along on the keyboard, but if not I made sure we were recording in case we could overdub something on it later. Mostly, it would either be a jam, or try to bang out a song. At the end of our first jam session, either Mike or Jay started playing a riff and I got on the mic and crooned, “Buttered aaaassssssss, came into the store today...” I started ad-libbing lyrics and nearly made Joe choke on his Gatorade.

The term “buttered ass” was coined by a guy Joe and I worked with at Genuardi’s. His name was John, but we all called him “Sauce” because he always showed up drunk or half in the bag. One day, he came into work, fresh off from vacation in Jamaica. He said, “Man, you should’ve seen all the buttered ass on the beach!” That became the term du jour, in the grocery stock room, for the hot women that would come into the store from time to time. A guy I’d work with would say, “Spilled butter in aisle 12. Go check it out.” And I would to find a piece of ass, buttered ass, in the aisle. One notable female was Mel Toxic’s wife. Mel Toxic was a jock on 94 WYSP at the time, and his wife (or so I was told it was his wife) would come into the store once every two weeks or so. When she came in, the grocery back room was in a frenzy. It was the highlight of our day. The guys in frozen food would shamelessly flirt with her, especially Phil Saurman, who looked like Adam Sandler’s friend in The Wedding Singer.


So after I had nearly ad-libbed a whole song based on the term “buttered ass”, we rolled tape and did it again and came out with nearly a fully produced song. That was the last thing recorded on our first jam session. Over the next year and half, we got together three or four more times, just making stuff on the spot, covering songs we knew (or barely knew) and recorded just about everything along the way. All in Mike’s dad’s living room. We recorded a bunch of stuff and came up with some good songs. A lot of the songs were instrumentals or covers. We always did come back to re-recording “Buttered Ass” as the structure of the song became more and more refined. By the end, it turned into a nearly seven minute song. We had only gotten together a few times, since our schedules with work and school never aligned. The last time we got together was in 2000 where my roommate Erik joined for an acoustic session (Joe couldn’t make it, so no drumming was had). Once again, everything was committed to tape.

In the copies of the cassette tapes I have (I lost one of them over the years), we covered and made up a few songs, which I eventually made into a compilation called, “The Evolution of Buttered Ass” where four takes would go through the album and you’d hear how the song progressed. I then recompiled it for iTunes a little over a year ago. I still love listening to the songs. It’s a reminder of the fun I had doing it ten years ago. Here’s the tracklist and some songs we did that got left off my compilation (yes, the links will provide you with the mp3... listen at your own risk):
  1. “Ready to Rumble” - An intro I did during a session where I did my best Michael Buffer to the day of recording. It also made a good test to see if we were actually recording
  2. “Buttered Ass” (take one) - The take we did after I ad-libbed the song and decided we needed to commit it to tape. The song’s story is about a woman walks into a grocery store, and the stock boy follows her while she’s shopping.
  3. “Sometimes A Fantasy” - Billy Joel cover that I did a decent job singing. It finishes with a long guitar jam.
  4. “Linus & Lucy” (Peanuts Theme) - Does EVERY band cover this at some point? I didn’t do a thing on this track, so I made sure we were rolling and did nothing else.
  5. “Disco Song” - Some jam we did where afterwards I gave it that title since it kinda-sorta reminded me of a disco beat. It really doesn’t. Instrumental jam where I’m on keyboards. Mike made up lyrics to it, but we never tried to tack them on. I often sing nonsense words over it in the car.
  6. “Buttered Ass” (take two) - Added a guitar solo, but still had rambling lyrics as I tried to name something for every aisle of the store. Added the lyrics, “What’s a poor stockboy to do/I’m just a part-time guy looking to full-time love you” Genius.
  7. “Going Solo”
  8. “Bullet the Blue Sky” - The first part of the track, I threaten to quit the band and go solo recording all the instruments. That segues into the U2 song. I never heard the song before and was told how it basically goes. I did my best Load-era James Hetfield on the track. I now use the song as my “Off the Air” podcast intro music.
  9. “Jam Session I” - I took the best bits from two of our long jam sessions. This one featured the Spy Hunter Theme, a band intro, and The Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction”. I ddin’t know the lyrics to the song, so I made some shit up.
  10. “Buttered Ass” (take three) - Added an instrumental intro and it was our first time through the final structure of the song.
  11. “Instead of A Hinge, It’s A Spring” - Jay Davidson instrumental recorded in between songs.
  12. “Jam Session II” - Cobbled together bits of songs we did into a medley, since none were good enough for it’s own track. In pieces, it works nice. “You Don’t Know How It Feels”, “The Joker”, “Pressure”, “The Ocean,” and “Down on the Corner” were represented in the jam.
  13. “15 Minutes” - A song I made up at Genuardi’s when I noticed I had fifteen minutes left in my shift. The song lasts twenty seconds, but also signifies there’s fifteen minutes left in the album.
  14. “Rocker” - Joe, Mike, and Jay go off in a instrumental jam.
  15. “White Flag” - One of the originals Mike and I made up. He was strumming something in between songs when I filled in a melody on the keyboard. It took off from there. I wrote lyrics to the song, but it sounded awful in every way when I tried to dub them over. I hated the lyrics (the title came from those lyrics), but love the song itself. It’s on the songs I can play on the piano today.
  16. “Buttered Ass” (final) - The last, best, complete take of the song in the last jam session we had together. I’m pretty sure we closed the session with the song, as I said in the beginning of the track, “Ok, the one that started it all...”
  17. BONUS TRACKS from "Acoustic Jam 2000"

    • “Oregon Trail/Down On the Bayou” - During the acoustic jam session, we recorded this original instrumental. I started on the piano with this riff that sounded a little like the Old West, so it go the title of the old computer game we all played. That went into this swamp-rock thing we just dubbed “Down On the Bayou”, before it closed with the Old West theme.
    • “Hey Hey What Can I Do” - Instrumental version of the Zep song. Never got around to overdubbing lyrics
    • “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” - We did record vocals to this song along with the acoustic backing, but for the life of me, I can’t find either version. Good thing, since my vocals were way, way off.
I’ve had these recordings for over ten years. I can’t speak for the others in the band, but I rarely ever played those songs for anyone. I’m not sure if I need two hands for the number of people that have listened to most of these tracks. I don’t want to go into the psychoanalysis of myself yet again, but I guess unless I only wanted to share it with people who played instruments. They’d understand better. Plus, I’m my own worst critic, since all I heard was how it could’ve been better. So don’t feel bad that I never played any of these for you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Really.

I’ve only begun to appreciate it for what it was, which was a whole lot of fun. I’ve jammed and played with other people since, and that was fun, too, but it wasn’t the same. Sure, we wern’t a real band. We never had gigs, but it was fun, and there’s physical evidence of said fun! It’s quite an experience when you can have three, four, five people on the same page hammering out a song. It happens all the time in garages, so you can imagine how hard it is when you get to the point of playing that it actually sounds good. But when it happens, even for just a few moments, that’s the kind of magic you’ll remember for a lifetime.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Monster in the Closet

My nephew is trapped in my upstairs linen closet. There are no linens in there yet, just wire shelves and a toddler trying to contain his shit as best as possible. Yes, I put him in there. But for a reason. Monsters might be in there and he wanted to investigate. I did my best impression of pretending monsters do indeed exist my rapping on the door and the walls adjacent to the closet. He didn’t scream, he didn’t cry. He was just wondering if there really was a monster behind the wall. I checked myself. He stood outside the door, I climbed in and began shaking the shelves and faked tears when i came out. My nephew seemed concerned for me. I was kinda hoping he’d be scared, just a little. Maybe I scarred him temporarily? Maybe for life? I do wonder what his idea of “The Monster” might be. Is it a cartoon he saw? Scary neighbor? Glenn Beck? We all had our visions of what that monster in the closet or under our bed was. Mine was a real live person, or at least he was a real live person. My scary monster was Budd Dwyer. And he was coming to get me.

R. Budd Dwyer was the Treasurer of Pennsylvania and in December of 1986 was convicted on a single charge of bribery. He was awaiting sentencing, a maximum of fifty-five years, although a co-defendant in his bribery case was only sentenced to one year. Still, Budd claimed “Doomsday” was upon him in a letter he wrote to President Reagan asking for a pardon. On January 22nd, 1987, he called a news conference in Harrisburg to give “an update of the situation.” It was being broadcast live on Pennsylvania news outlets. He made a brief statement, passed out three manila envelopes, and then opened his own. He pulled out a .357 magnum revolver, and in the midst of reporters and staffers screaming at Budd to put the gun down, he shot himself on live television. He died instantly. He was forty-seven.

I shared a room with my brother growing up. He has his side of the room and I had mine. He was in control of the clock radio on the nightstand we shared. I’m not entirely sure if he set the alarm, or my father did, but the alarm was set to wake up on KYW Newsradio 1060. We went to sleep to that station on the sleep timer, usually to hear the sports scores. The night of Budd Dwyer’s suicide, I did not watch the local news. Various TV news outlets did not show the entire suicide. Some freeze-framed right before he pulled the trigger. Some cut the video but kept the audio. Others didn’t show anything at all. Now, I didn’t watch the news, but I heard the report on KYW. They played the farewell speech, I heard the cries of “Budd, don’t do it!” and “Budd, listen to me!” right before he pulled the trigger. The gunshot. The profanity-laced shock from everyone who had gathered. It was positively terrifying. How incredibly traumatic that must have been! To hear a live suicide over the radio and have a child process that and hear it over and over again. Especially since I had to make up all the images in my head and imagine the scene. How the hell was I supposed to know what it looked like for real? All I know was that it was bad and he was dead. My imagination was supported the next few days with watching the news, seeing images of Budd before he shot himself, more audio from that news conference, and sounds getting replayed in my head. I knew the guy died. He wasn’t a piece of fiction I could imagine. This guy was now a full-fledged ghost, and now he was coming to get me. Budd Dwyer became the monster in my closet. I had just turned seven years old.













Ok, I didn’t believe that monsters lived in the closet or under the bed. I just thought he came out in the dark. I don’t recall ever mentioning to my brother or my parents that Budd Dwyer, specifically, was coming after me, I just had his face pictured in my brain as the ghost that was going to come out and somehow get me if the lights were out. I don’t even recall how long I was afraid of the dark. But from time to time, the street lights would shine into my room just so, and create a shadowy figure I couldn’t make out. Budd Dwyer! He’s going to get me. Now, I do remember saying those words to myself. “Going to get me.” Exactly what he was going to do to me, I don’t know, but damnit, he was gonna do something. And this went on for a few years, but I kept it mostly to myself. Budd Dwyer was my sworn enemy. The Price of Darkness. I do remember one day that I turned out the lights in my basement intentionally with me standing in the middle of the room. I was standing in the dark and nothing happened. No Budd Dwyer, no random monster came out, no boogey man. And just like that, I was done being afraid of the dark and Budd Dwyer.

I don’t know how the idea came to me, but I was in the computer lab at Penn State Abington in 1999 when I suddenly remembered ol’ Budd. There was no wikipedia back then, so yahoo! search returned some articles about the events leading up to his grand exit. Then, starting at me in the search results, was the video. The news footage that was aired only a handful of times, uncut, uncensored. I had to. I put on headphones and watched in horror. The blood pouring from his nose, the cursing and retching off-camera. No wonder I was scarred. Plus, I found out it inspired Filter for “Hey Man, Nice Shot”. In some perverse way, it was exorcising the Budd Dwyer demons by watching what rattled around in the corners of my mind, in audio form, all these years. I had no nightmares from it, no lasting ill effects. God Bless the Internet.

I do wonder if my nephew will have his Budd Dwyer moment in his young life. For a bunch of youngsters, and even adults, September 11th was ten thousand Budd Dwyers rolled into one. Images from that day still float in and out of my brain from time to time. But Budd was the first. You never forget your first, right? Every now and then when I do turn out the lights, it does catch me for a split second. I don’t worry about Budd Dwyer coming to get me and showing me how his head exploded that Thursday morning in Harrisburg. But I am reminded of how it scared the living shit out of a seven year-old boy that night.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Wine Glass Test

Would you like to buy some stuff for me? I’ll give you the money, just go buy me these things that I need. If you come back and I love everything, we’ll go out and have a steak dinner. My treat, of course. Deal?

I hate shopping. I do not have the patience for it. I do not have the decisiveness for it. The bigger the purchase, the more hand-wringing I do. This is a problem. I do like food shopping, but even then I have my moments at the Wegmans. I could stare for a good five minutes at a can of salsa con queso and figure out if I really need it, or do I just want it because I committed the cardinal sin of shopping while hungry? Not a figurative “five minutes”, but a literal three hundred seconds staring as people walk on by. Now that I have received my tax return, it’s time to finish off the basic furnishing of the house. The mission is to find a new mattress, a new bed, bedroom furniture, and new window treatments. I’ve had the money for three weeks. Not one single purchase yet.

In my defense, I’ve only focused on the bedroom stuff, mainly the mattress. This is a big purchase. Everyone says I’ll spend a third of my life on it, so make it a good one. What I’m currently on sleeping is passable. It’s an old mattress my sister had for God knows how many years, with a slight dip in the middle, aided by a flattening foam topper. That’s on top of a box spring lying on the floor. It’s not even elevated. Not exactly a fantastic destination should I be entertaining prospective vagina. Then again, if time was previously spent in the bar in the basement, who cares, right? For the past six months I’ve slept on that thing and now I’m starting to feel the effects of lingering back pain. By the time you read this, I will have pulled the trigger on a mattress and I can knock one thing off my list. I looked at dozen of websites, reviews, opinions for the past two months anticipating the purchase. I spent two days in various mattress and furniture stores laying down, trying to get some sense of comfort on a mattress in a store with bright lights and a hovering salesperson. By the way, I read a sign at one place that said “Mattress Buying Tips”. The first tip? “Buy the biggest mattress you can!” Really? I have a 16x14 room. What fills that best, two kings strapped together? Nice try, but I’m going to stick to my budget as best as possible without buying something that’ll be worn out in three years. I even joked about this o the salesperson claiming I don’t nearly have the money for a four thousand dollar mattress. He says, “You’d be surprised how comfortable they are.” Is that the sales pitch? Nice try, dickhead. In case you’re wondering, I’m going with an entry-level Tempurpedic. I’ve slept on them a few times, loved it, and always wanted one. Plus, they’re really great for having a glass of wine in bed.



Chances are I’ll spend some brain power second guessing myself when I make the purchase, but that happens all the time. The only recent purchases I’ve made that I didn’t regret for a second were my iMac, my iPod, and the plasma TV I bought for the house. Even the house was met with second guessing (and panic attacks). I guess the more money I spend the greater pause I have. Double cheeseburger? Barely a second thought. House? Shaking, cursing, crying, fetal position, etc. Maybe I deprive myself to some degree of just enjoying what I have and just relaxing. Nope. Can’t do it. But I get to start the shopping anxiety all over and figure out the piece of furniture the mattress will call home, then the dresser, then shades for all the windows in the house. That means going to various stores, dealing with sales people of various pushiness, and best of all, being frighteningly indecisive. Should I go with the platform bed? The sleigh bed? Bunk beds!?!?!? These are not life decisions, but I do want to be happy with it. I don’t want to stare at my bedroom furniture and think no self-respecting girl would want to get plowed in a Tony Stewart race car bed. Or would they???

I’ve done well so far with purchases for the house though. The living room furniture is ok. It’s comfortable, looks good, not the greatest of quality, but good enough especially for my budget. The dining table is rock solid and has a cool pullout leaf. The carpet is durable so far and is soft. I’m doing ok. I just hate going through the process of shopping, and the second guessing. If I’m just given stuff, there is no choice, no second guessing. I’ll deal with it and learn to like it... maybe even love it.

Maybe it’s a commitment issue I haven’t fully realized? Always wondering if I could’ve gotten a better deal, or a better product, or the fear that I’ll like something else and won’t be able to switch out? That leads to not making a decision and sleeping six more months on a shitty mattress in a room with no furniture. I’m surprised I haven’t heard my favorite line, “You’re being too picky!” Being thirty and single, I’m beginning to hear that more and more. Except now my inner monologue is telling me that about shopping, not about women. On both fronts, I tell the scary voice in my head and real life people in response to the picky statement, “Fuck you!” I want to be picky. For the mattress, for the furniture, for women. Why should I settle for 75%? Why not go for the full 100% holy-shit-I-love-it-so-much? It’s not too much to ask. I may not have the money for the uber-love for a piece of furniture. Come to think of it, I may not have the money for the uber-love for a piece of ass. They can be expensive, ya know. I wonder if I can do the wine glass test for women before I commit that kind of cash?

Friday, April 9, 2010

A Room of Our Own - part three

My last two roommates in college were fairly normal. Eamonn came in for the fall of ’00. He was normal. We had no problems. Unless I’m forgetting something, there were no stories. Normal. He showered. He left to go live with his buddies in a frat house at the end of the semester.

Another Dave showed up for the spring of ’01. He was a twenty-one year-old freshman mormon. Fresh from the mission and pure as the driven snow. On day two of the semester, my friend and future roommate Erik, comes down to my room laughing his ass off because he just found out what a “Jelly Doughnut” was. He then explains it in great detail, while Dave is in the room listening in horror. If you do not know what a “Jelly Doughnut” is, look it up on Urban Dictionary. I’d like to hold myself to some standard on this blog and not sully it with such explanations. Myself, along with the rest of the floor corrupted Dave very well, and by the time the semester ended, not only was he making Jelly Doughnut references, but we also suspect he was breaking, or coming close (pun intended), to breaking Mormon celibacy rules. And so ended my dorm living career.

Probably my favorite time in a shared living situation was in the fall of ’01 when I lived with my friends from the dorms Brian and Erik. We had an apartment on the north side of town in a sea of student apartments. We were at The Pointe and had apartment 333. “The three three, mothafuckin’ three” we used to say. I think we were all living on our own for the first time. No food allowance, utilities to pay, rent to pay, and parties to be thrown. My God, did we have parties. Maybe I’m just bragging, but shit, we had some good times. We had tons of booze, good music being played, and a more than acceptable girl-to-guy ratio. We had a few normal non-themed parties, but my favorite was the Graffiti party. Aside from the fact it was also a 22nd birthday party for me, it was damn good time. If you’re not familiar, a graffiti party is where you show up to a place in a white or light colored shirt. Then a bunch of markers are given out, and in the middle of the boozing and dancing, you write or draw things on each other’s shirt. By the end of the night, your shirt should be covered in... graffiti! I retired my “Pimp, Tom, Pimp” shirt, now covered in marker. I still have that shirt in my closet. There’s stuff on that shirt I never noticed until just recently. As you can see from the pics, one of the benefits of writing on someone’s shirt is that they won’t be able to see right away what you wrote or who wrote it. The alcohol certainly helps in adding to being ignorant to what’s on your shirt. It also didn’t hurt I got laid that night... I think... it was kinda hazy after midnight.



The 333 was the first taste of living the bachelor life the college way. The college way, of course, is devoid of... nice things. The furniture is well worn at best. Beeramids were feats of physics. No posters were framed, but damnit, there was a blacklight within a foot of them. Bass thumped through the walls, and also thumping was the coughing from the bong being passed around. Strange events occurred, too. The strangest was when everyone was asleep on a Saturday night. We were all in our own bedrooms (no bunking here, finally). I’m just falling asleep when I hear a knock on my bedroom door. I think it’s one of my roommates. I open the bedroom door and it’s a random girl. How in the blue fuck did she get in here? She asks if so-and-so lives here. Stunned, I simply say no, and then she turns around, goes out the front door, and hops into a cab that’s waiting for her and drives away. I know I didn’t dream it. Erik came out of his room ready to lay down some judo on a potential intruder. It took another thirty seconds for me to realize just how in the hell did she come in the apartment (door left unlocked... usually not a problem in State College). Why did she knock on my door? Why was she walking into apartments, without knocking, at 2am? Good thing I wasn’t in the raping mood that night, otherwise she would’ve looked back on that as a poor life decision. Surreal.

After The 333, I began an unhealthy habit of moving, maximum, every two years. Some moves were based on choice, others were based on necessity. In fact, beginning with the move out of the dorms, I moved seven times from 2002 to now. And I hate moving. I detest it. I literally get headaches from moving all my crap from one place to another. The process of moving makes me ill. Because of this, I never really got comfortable anywhere I was. I always knew that eventually, it would be time to pack up again. I didn’t completely let go and settle in. I realize I should’ve done just that, settle, and fully enjoyed myself. But I’m not like that. The byproduct of all that moving is that I ended up with almost no possessions. I had whatever computer I had with me, maybe a bed, and that was it. I added a coupe kitchen appliances, but I had no furniture, only moved a TV twice, and a fish tank three times (pain in the ass). It was going to be a fourth time moving a fish tank, but I decided I was going to leave it at one place and stopped feeding the four fish in there. They all survived off of the algae. I wonder if the new tenants fed them at all? Relax, it was only a ten gallon tank. I wasn’t abandoning puppy-sized fish. They would’ve died by my own neglect eventually.

So now after a decade of moving back and forth within State College, I finally knuckled down and bought my own place. A hefty tax rebate was incentive enough to do it. As I said in part one, I’m not completely settled in yet, but I got the basics down. Over the course of writing this, I did make progress. The biggest thing in settling in, is the house-into-home transition. This past Sunday was Easter, and my family came up. There were eight of us in the house. My mom and dad, grandmother, brother, his wife, my nephew, my sister, and her boyfriend. I grilled the meat and veggies, while my mom made up the pasta and prepped. My nephew was playing in the living room with his blocks and matchbox cars. My brother and sister-in-law were watching Dancing with the Stars on hulu and my father and grandmother were outside on the deck enjoying the eighty degree weather we were fortunate enough to have. We all settled down for an Easter dinner. And as I sat there, I leaned back with a crooked smile on my face enjoying everyone being there. It was nice having everyone together... in my home.

The past two nights, I had friends over and we sat on the deck, cooking up food, smoking cigars, and having drinks. If Easter didn’t drive it through, the past two nights did. Despite a lack of pictures on the wall, no actual honest-to-goodness bed to sleep in, and zero knickknacks that fill most living rooms, my place of residence made the transition from house to home over the course of five days. All it took were good friends and the people I care about the most to make that happen. To paraphrase you-know-who, I never had a place that I could call my very own, but that’s alright because they are my home. I could move eight more times in eight more years within town or across the country, but without friends and family to help fill the room, it’ll just be a place to put your stuff. At least that’s just me. Maybe I just like having people over from time to time. So, if you already have visited, thanks for dropping by and helping my place feel more like a home. I hope you come back soon. If you haven’t stopped by yet, you’re welcome to come over. But do take your shoes off when you come in. I don’t want you to fuck up my carpet.

Monday, April 5, 2010

A Room of Our Own - part two

I’m not going to go over the entire history of sharing rooms. That would be far too long. The most famous of all my roommates over the years happened in the Spring semester of ’00. My second semester at University Park at Penn State.

Fall semester of ’99 I had Dave, aka “Soy Boy”. Why was he nicknamed that? Because the first day in, he put one thing in the refrigerator as his beverage of choice. Soy milk. A kinda hippie dude, but I wouldn’t have known. He wasn’t in the room for most of the time. He was either at class or at his girlfriend’s place and slept there. He was only in the dorm for two hours out of the day. Yet, when he was there, I hated his guts. How dare he intrude on my time, in MY room? That was it. No interaction, just him for two hours of the day... If I was there at the same time. Really, he was the perfect roommate. If I had a social life at that time, it would’ve been even better. But that first semester was all about getting my bearings at University Park and gravitating towards other people in hall that I enjoyed being around. Ya know... making friends. As much as the solitude and lack of a roommate in fall of ’99 was welcomed, it was completely flipped on its head heading into the millennium.

Dave went off to formally live with his girlfriend after the winter break. That meant a new roommate. But have no fear! My friend from Penn State Abington and from Central High was coming up to be my roommate. No worries, right? Wrong. For whatever reason, he never made it up to State College. But now it got even better! I was slotted with a roommate, but he never showed up. Two weeks into the semester, I had no roommate and it was looking good I was going to be on my alone, legit, for the semester. I had those thoughts of freedom when on a Sunday night, about to embark on week three of the quasi-bachelor pad when I heard a rap upon the door.

*Knock* *Knock* Knock*

I go to the door and open. What I saw was a confused kid, who looked like a middle eastern Rivers Cuomo from Weezer. He introduces himself in broken English, “Hello, I am your rrrroommate. My name is eye touch.” Without missing a beat, I reply, “Like... ‘I touch myself’? He started at me blankly. “Yes!”

Oh boy.

Eye Touch, or Aytag if you’re spelling it properly in his native Turkey (if you’re an Apple fanboy, you can spell it “iTouch”), became the talk of the dorms. Not because of his bubbling personality, not because of his mathletic skills, and not because of his killer CD collection. He had none of those. He also had no sense of smell, because he clearly had no idea how bad his was. Us North Americans are used to a standard of bathing. Usually once per day. This is a foreign idea with many exchange students (pun intended). Knowing some RAs, interventions had to be held on occasion to encourage the student to bathe more. iTouch had a funk that permeated the A floor of Hamilton Hall. And I lived in it. Everybody on the floor smelled it. You couldn’t get away from it. To figure out the funk would be like trying to identify all of the Colonel’s eleven herbs and spices. You might come close, but you know you’re leaving out a crucial ingredient. This kid was a combo of generic body odor, feet, cigarette smoke (during the winter, he smoked in the “Smoker’s Lounge” which offered very little ventilation, so he came back worse from a trip to Flavor Country), stereotypical foreigner smell, and then on top of that, let those smells commingle and ferment. That’s what I was dealing with everyday. Needless to say, no girls came back to my dorm that semester.

The dorm room was setup as such: When you entered the eight by fourteen room, you’re immediately on his side of the room, then the back half of the dorm was my end. I had to walk, everyday, through his funk to get to my area. My side was sanctuary from the funk, thanks to the good people at SC Johnson Wax (a family company). I already employed, on my side of the room, a Glade “Large Room” freshener. This sucker was double-barreled, two inserts, to freshen up a room. It was not enough. Glade then had just come out with the Oil Scents room freshener. Hawaiian Breeze was their only flavor and I got it to help out the troops. Those two forces working together barely worked on my side of the room. So to sum up, I walk into my room, get punched in the face with his funk for six feet, then happen upon this weird two foot Demilitarized Zone where the funk and Glade met in a constant battle, then the final six feet was an artificial botanical garden. Imagine going over the Berlin Wall to get to West Germany to escape the Iron Curtain every day. Every. Day.

My friends would wonder how I could put up with it. And in truth, I spent very little time in my dorm, except for sleep. The Glade Front kept my clothes from not funkifying, so I had no residual effects, besides socially, with the smell. And I pulled out the tricks. I made lots of popcorn, I had the door open to my room a lot (the people downwind in the hall loved that), and I kept the window open. The window was also the object of a Cold War of sorts. The Window War. The window was on my side of the room. I kept it open constantly for two reasons. One, the funk. Two, the heater was broken and hot air came out from the vents constantly. In the winter, this was fine, but as winter turned to spring, this would be a problem. I would leave for class, and I would come back with the window closed. I opened. I came back, it was closed. This went on for the whole semester. When the window was closed, the room heated up. A Turkish Bath, I guess for him. When the room heated up, the Glade Front would also heat up and became not so pleasant. Then the heat would further exaggerate The Funk.

It was a war of attrition. A test of wills. Can I get through this? Am I being tested by God/Universe/The Force? Sure, I could’ve opened the lines of communication, but that wasn’t going to happen. We rarely talked. What could I say to him that didn’t end in, “... and you need to take a shower.”? We certainly did not hang out, go to lunch, dinner, or bring him along with the others on the floor. It sounds so mean on the surface of immediately outcasting a kid who is in a strange country, strange university in the middle of Bumblefuck, PA, and I understand if you are thinking that way. But the smell coming from this kid would make Jesus cry. You have to believe me. This may be one of the few times I’m under exaggerating. I did feel bad for the kid though. There was one time he put on his best Euro duds to go to out. I thought it was odd he was getting ready at 7:30p to go out, but maybe it was going to be a long night for him. Some people came by the room to get him, and by 9:30p, reeking of cigarettes, he was back and had this dejected look on his face. He let out a long sigh after he changed and plopped on his bed to watch TV. I left the room to go myself thirty minutes later. That was the one of the two times I felt bad for him.

The second was on the last day of the semester. There were a few people in my room saying goodbye, and I was doing the same, as I was leaving the next day to go back home for the summer. iTouch grabs his camera and hands it to one of my friends and asks to take a picture of me and him, so he can show his family back home. Growing up in an Italian Catholic home, I knew this feeling all too well. The wave of guilt crashed through as that picture was being taken. I felt so bad at not talking to the kid the whole semester, keeping my distance, not asking and learning about his home half a world away. He was probably so scared, so lonely, maybe even thinking us Americans are so cold and uptight. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for not being a better roommate. While that camera flash hit, I felt like the most horrible person in the world.

Another wave hit... this time it wasn’t guilt, but The Funk. I couldn’t wait for him to leave.

(to be continued...)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

A Room of Our Own - part one

After thirty years of existence, there still a ton of things I have yet to experience. Seeing Godfather II, bungee jumping, purchasing a hooker, and outrunning the police, are things I have not done. However, just recently, I had crossed off something from that list. Living alone. In all my life, I never lived on my own, by myself. It didn’t even dawn on me until a few weeks ago, and I had already been doing it for the last five months.

“Living alone isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be” cries Billy Joel in the song “Laura” from The Nylon Curtain. He’s correct, to a point. But after living with others for the last 30 years, I have to tell you it’s a nice change of pace in the very least. I moved out of my last place and into my new townhouse this past October. Three beds, three baths, a finished basement, and I had, oh, zero furniture. Truly an empty home. The first two months involved painting, ripping out old carpet, putting in new carpet, and resanding the hardwood floors in the kitchen and dining room. There was no real living going on, just minor construction going on half the time. Then a couple pieces of furniture followed... and a TV. Had to get a TV. And that’s pretty much where I am now after living here in the last six months. I still have no real bed, just a mattress and box spring on the floor. The living room is basic with a couch, big chair , and TV. There’s a dining table, and the kitchen has all the appliances I need. I need pictures to be put up, some shelving, maybe a bookcase. But that’s all in due time where you slowly make the transition from house to home. Trouble is, I tend to want to have that happen all at once. I want to pull a Barbara Eden, fold my arms, blink, and *poof* everything is in place. I have no patience. But, if I can’t have it all at once, right now, then I can go forever without it at all. Strange how that works for me. I was like that with piano lessons. I started slow, learning the first lines, then I’d try to take off without knowing the rest of the piece and fuck it all up. I’d get frustrated that I couldn’t do it without properly learning it. I got needlessly ahead of myself, and because it didn’t come naturally, I got discouraged and lost interest. So for now, screw it, I have a bed to sleep on, so I can deal for a while. The minor details can come later, especially when I get more money.

This living alone stuff is... weird sometimes. First, it’s way too much house for just me. It really is, and it’s embarrassing showing people the house when I give the tour. I enjoy giving the tour, I enjoy the house, but it almost seems silly saying, “Hey, this is all mine!” But it was an investment with money I had come into. It certainly wasn’t purchased using my radio salary. There’s a reason, at the station, we call our paychecks “The Bi-Weekly Insult.” The house is three beds, three baths, a finished basement, with a full bar. All me, no one else. The previous thirty years were shared bedrooms, shared bathrooms, shared this, shared that, and in confined spaces. Confined further with other people present. This is now two thousand square feet and just me. It feels like a cavern.

Part of the problem is what I laid out before of the house into home transition. I think I’m about halfway there. Just a couple months ago, it was still a house. My mark was not placed yet and it didn’t even feel like my place. I still had that renter mentality of worrying about marking up this, putting a hole in that. What about my security deposit? Oh wait... there isn’t one. I can seriously fuck this place up and no one else would care. That thought is liberating and crushing all at the same time. It’s just me here. A lot of freedom. A lot of responsibility. I could be the one who burns the place down. I could be the one who accidentally left the faucet running. Did I leave the door open? I, I, I, I. No fall back of someone else being home to clean up my proverbial and actual messes. No one else to bail me out if I lock myself out. And no one else to help pay the rent. All new experiences. Not bad... just different.

I almost laugh sometimes at the living situations I was in, especially in the dorms. I lived in the dorms for two years at Penn State when I transferred to University Park for my junior year. Four semesters. I had a different roommate each semester. It was not because I was such a prick to live with, but because of... well... let me explain.

(Due to the interest of time, and not putting up an entry for a while, I’ll stop here and finish this next week. To be continued...)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Why Billy?

Once in a blue moon, I get asked the question that, for a change, I can sum up in a sentence. “Why do you like Billy Joel?” For the sake of this blog, here’s the long answer.

The love affair with Billy Joel was seeded on two fronts. The first, I blame solely on my brother. Being the younger brother, I absorbed a lot of his interests, especially when it came to music. He controlled the radio in the room we shared growing up. What he listened to would be the lion share of my musical education. I remember him making mix tapes, taping things off the radio (like the 1987 Top 40 Countdown on the old Eagle 106 with John Lander and the Nut Hut), taping theme songs off the TV. He bought cassingles (albums were too much money) and I played them on our stereo system and boom box during my free time. The selection was deeply rooted in Top 40. I remember being in the fifth grade and listening to Paula Abdul, Young MC, Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock, Was Not Was, Michael Jackson, Dee-Lite, and so on. Lots and lots of pop music that when I hear it to this day, i’m immediately transported back to my room. Once he got into high school, he was turned on to Howard Stern and so began listening to him on 94 WYSP in Philly. When Stern signed off, ‘YSP played classic rock the rest of the day. Maybe he just didn’t bother changing the station, but classic rock was now being played. He got into it, and so I was into it... or at least trying to keep up. ‘YSP played a good bit of Billy Joel. I had known who Billy Joel was, having a crudely labeled taped copy of Storm Front in our nightstand drawer of cassettes. You had to have “We Didn’t Start the Fire” in some form. Shit, teachers were using that to quiz kids in history classes all over the country. But that was 1990. I was at least aware of his existence. I knew there was his Greatest Hits on cassette lying around somewhere. It didn’t take hold yet.

For some reason, my brother collected theme songs from TV shows (remember theme songs???). He’d rig up the boombox to the TV and record the theme in real time when the show came on. Every show, new and old, that we liked of course, was taped. One of the show themes he taped was “Bosom Buddies.” A you may well know, Billy Joel’s “My Life” was poorly redone as the theme of the show. I don’t know when I realized it, but at some point I found out shortly after that the original version was on that greatest hits tape. I popped that cassette in and listened. I liked it. What else was on the tape? “Hey, I recognize this...”

The second front started with piano lessons. Off and on through grade school I took piano lessons from a variety of teachers. I wanted to play guitar since I was little. I even got a Dukes of Hazzard toy guitar for a birthday present. I fucked myself up early on mimicking guitar playing on the TV. Some children’s show was on, a band was playing, and I mirrored the image of the guitarist. Because of that move I pulled when i was five, to this day, I air guitar left-handed (there’s your Fun Fact for the day). I tried playing Guitar Hero the same way, but the whammy bar gets in the way and I’m better off playing right-handed. But if you see me now, I still air guitar left-handed. And I’m fucking good. I change chords and everything. Despite my WANT to play guitar, that didn’t happen. There’s an upright piano in the living room and I’m sure my parents didn’t want to spring for a guitar, too. Piano lessons for my brother went in one ear and out the other, so i was next in line. I enjoyed it, as much as a ten year-old can enjoy piano lessons with almost zero appreciation of music. I could play the music ok, but I didn’t necessarily care for it. Doing piano exercises from the Thompson series of books, A Dozen A Day, and others really made me see this as a chore more than anything. I want to play Wiffle Ball, not the piano. My last piano teacher, Mrs. Geiser, took a different approach. I get to pick the songs I wanted to play. Being well versed in theme songs, I chose those. The themes from Hill Street Blues and Cheers were my favorites. She’d then throw in a Mozart piece that she claimed was similar in style and I picked up on that, too, and enjoyed it. When it came time to pick a new song, she presented “Piano Man”. I kinda sorta knew the song. Listening to radio and at least acknowledging the existence of Billy Joel, I knew of the man, so in the very least I recognized the author. That was good enough for me. Let’s do it. As I worked through the song, the Bosom Buddies taping happened. When I found out that “Piano Man” was on that cassette, that was the beginning of the end. I got hooked.

From that flashpoint in 1992 to the middle of 1994, I transitioned from grade school to high school. High school was very, very different from my lilly-white education I received. Grade school was a small Catholic elementary school with fifty-nine kids in my graduating class. All white, all from my neighborhood, almost totally insulated from the rest of the city. My freshman year of high school had close to eight hundred kids in my class. All nationalities were represented. I had to ride public transportation to school. I knew no one. Zero. I was totally alone and had to sink or swim. Worse, I was thirteen years-old, and I looked nine. The only companion I had with me on those rides on the bus was my walkman listening to Stern in the morning, and Billy Joel on the way home. Those first couple months in the fall of ’93, I was armed with a small collection of CDs of Billy Joel CDs I had purchased since ’92. It began with Greatest Hits, then River of Dreams came out right before high school started, and slowly but surely I picked off album after album, one by one.

I absorbed every album. Purchasing a new one was such a treat to load up in the CD player and charter undiscovered territory (sans the tracks already on the greatest hits discs). I marveled at how many songs I was familiar with, but never matched a name (or face) to the song. All those songs like “Uptown Girl” and “The Longest Time” I had heard before, just never knew it was Billy Joel. I read up about his career. I would read message boards on the old Prodigy online service (the precursor to AOL! My old prodigy ID was dxmd90c. We paid per email. 20 cents each.) and discussing his music with people way, way, way older than me. Classmates in high school knew about his music and I’d make friends through those discussions. I even met girls. Billy Joel was my all-time greatest pickup line. How I initially found out was pure luck.

In my freshman year of high school, I had seventh-period lunch. Seventh-period was the last period of the day, so since I had lunch, I was free to go at 1:50p instead of staying until the bell rang at the end of school. I often skipped out early. When the second semester rolled around in spring of ’94, I had begun to become friends with people in class and a few of them had my same lunch period. They didn’t leave early, instead waiting for their friends to get out of class. They invited me to hang out. One of the girls in the group, Kathleen, had my same Italian class. She sat in the front, I sat all the way in the back, so we never talked until the seventh-period hangout. That first time, I walk to the patio where we all were. She asked me what I was listening to. I told her it was Billy Joel. She said she liked him, too, and that her favorite song was “Honesty”. I told her I was listening to a live version that would blow her away. I had the Russian concert CD on me. The version of “Honesty” on that album is still one of my three favorite tracks ever. It was one of those songs that struck me the second I listened to it months prior. I give her my headphones to listen to the song and her eyes lit up. She immediately asked to borrow the CD. My heart crushed hard, and Billy Joel made that happen.

“Hey, you like Billy Joel?” became an inside joke with my friends, since they figured it was my only pickup line. One of my all-time greatest stories involved meeting a girl on the boardwalk of Wildwood because I asked the question, “Hey do you like Billy Joel?” (I’d tell that story now, but we’ll get way off-topic and I don’t think you have an hour to read the whole thing). It was effective! I met people in general, not just girls, because I always had him in my CD player. Even when I moved away to college, when you have to setup your posters in your dorm to show your allegiance, Billy, along with The Beatles, made me feel like I was showing off my allegiance and uniqueness on a floor dominated by Dave Matthews, Bob Marley posters, and dudes listening to Creed. Fuck that, you poseurs. I’ll fire up “Uptown Girl” with pride and rock out (yes, I know... "Uptown Girl" and "rocking out" should never be in the same sentence, but you know what I mean).

Billy Joel started the love affair with The Beatles. I had obviously heard of The Beatles, but never went beyond knowing “She Loves You” and “Hey Jude”. The red and blue compilations were somewhere i the house, too, but never got around to them. During the Billy Joel absorption period, there was a lecture he was giving and explained his love for The Beatles and proceeded to play a few selections, including his interpretation of side two of Abbey Road. I immediately sought out that album, but since I blew all my money on the Joel discs, I asked my friend’s dad (or did I?) to borrow his vinyl copy, along with a couple other albums (Hey Jude and McCartney). And so began the snowball effect again, only this time with The Beatles. I ripped through all the albums, read up on the backstory, the breakup, the incredible transformation from boy band to rock’s elder statesmen. I dove headfirst, and for a while, ignored Billy Joel while I built up the collection of The Beatles. By the time the Anthology series came out in 1995, I had the albums and was fully immersed in the Fab Four.

I fully acknowledge The Beatles are the best pop/rock act ever. There’s not a question about it at all. For those that fall in the Rolling Stones camp, Pink Floyd, AC/DC, or any other group, you’re merely fooling yourself. As far as influence, innovation, trailblazing, and flat out quality, nobody beats The Beatles. You can love someone else, but not to respect The Beatles as the best ever would be silly. There is a reason why everyone says they’re the best ever. It’s because it’s true. Side two of Abbey Road is a joy, Rubber Soul and Revolver captures The Beatles at their tightest, the White Album shows their versatility. Even their boy band era is simple, but effective pop music, with some really great songs that were written by them. They were the first major act to write all their own songs. It was so uncommon in the early 60s for that to happen. I’m proud to say that The Holy Trinity writes their own music.

Bruce Springsteen, the last component of The Trinity, happened fairly recently. Again, his music was always around, just never delved into. His faulty Greatest Hits disc was had when it was released in the 90s with “Philadelphia” as the main track on it. Born to Run was purchased at some point afterwards, simply because it was an iconic album and felt I should have. In fact, the song “Born to Run” has a special place in my history. In June of 2001, I’m driving in the express lanes of Roosevelt Boulevard in Philly, heading south towards the Grant Avenue intersection. I was the only car in my lane and approaching a red light. As I’m coasting to the light, “Born to Run” kicks in on the CD player of my parent’s VW Passat I’m driving just as the light flips to green. Four seconds later, metal crunches on metal as I t-boned some jackass who ran a red arrow in front of me. Seat belts may have saved my life, but the car was totaled. I miss that car. And Springsteen was there when it died.

Springsteen laid fallow for years, though. It wasn’t until maybe 2007 when I really started to really get into his catalog. The Magic album came out, and once again, dove head first, shut of the rest of the music I was listening to out of my life to absorb The Boss. I guess I felt like it was a good time to get into his music, especially when all the albums were on mp3 at the radio station. I didn't have to spend any money this time. I'd save that for the concerts. As I listened, it got to be so much that some were questioning if I made a permanent move and declared sole allegiance to Bruuuuucccce. Bruce is in The Holy Trinity. But he’s not The One. I remember answering that question if I had strayed from my first love, Billy Joel, to go to Springsteen full time. Um... no.

The Beatles and Bruce Springsteen are wonderful to me They are the other two parts to my Holy Trinity of music. Objectively, Bruce and The Beatles are better than Billy Joel. Bruce is a better performer, still a relevant artist, lots of quality output, certainly romanticized more in the press than Billy Joel, and more versatile. The Beatles, as I stated before, are the best. No one will match or exceed them. The melodies, the Lennon/McCartney dynamic, their eclectic works... you’ll never see anything like that again. Ever. How silly, when you look back on it, that the fucking bay City Rollers were being hailed as “The Next Beatles?” That’s what Quaaludes did to you in the 70s. It turned you into a retard making retard statements like that. So in this Trinity, Billy Joel would sound like a distant third. But his music is first by leaps and bounds.

To me, there is a distinct difference, between the three for what I expect from them. The Beatles were all over the map in terms of style, voice, and purpose. You could get great love songs from them, and the next track it’s “Revolution 9.” That’s just the nature of four different people’s input into music. They are great songs, and I latch onto some of them, but they were a hit factory. Springsteen is a bit closer in personal writing, but I always felt the difference between him and Billy Joel was that if Springsteen was saying “I...”, he was in character. A lot of his songs play out like Broadway plays. He’s a character going through x,y, and z. Sometimes the real Bruce comes out, maybe not. That’s just my perception. Maybe it’s him all along? Billy is the guy who tells stories about himself. When he says “I...”, that’s Billy talking. Maybe he’ll use characters to represent himself, not the other way around.

Liberty Devitto, Billy’s old drummer, quoted his cousin by saying, “It’s amazing what he can say in three minutes, what I’ve been thinking for months... and say it exactly how I wanted to say it.” Whether it be the lyrics, the music, or both, Billy Joel’s music just speaks to me. You almost can’t describe it (but I’ll try it anyway). I hear my own stories in his songs. I feel the passion for music through his playing. I hear “Miami 2017” from Songs in the Attic and I marvel at the passion and I want to match it. “And So It Goes” is my exposed, vulnerable heart. “If I Only Had the Words” and “Sleeping with the Television On” from Glass Houses read my mind, yet I always know that “Vienna” will wait for me. “I Go to Extremes” and “Summer, Highland Falls” is my manic side, and “You’re My Home” just makes my soul ache.

I know I’m going on and on about Billy Joel, but that’s really not the point of all this when you really get right down to it. You may have a different artist that you feel the same way. It’s not who, but why. It’s the passion behind it. That’s what music is supposed to do. Evoke emotion. Stir passion. Inspire. It should make you feel. It has inspired me to write music, lame poetry, blog entries... expressing myself. It’s a getaway from the everyday and a destination of where I want to be in life. His music helped me discover other artists, and others like him. I don’t know if I did a good job explaining this, or going over the whole backstory. My mind is hazy trying to piece events from over twenty years ago and this terrible wine I’m drinking at 2am isn’t helping at all.

I’ll put it this way to sum up... Ever be in a good mood and you just had to put on some music? What about when you’re in an angry mood? Or when everything seems to be going to shit and you just want to cry your eyes out? There’s been many times like that. It would be me, headphones, and music pumping through for hours on end in the dark. And especially when it was Billy Joel pounding my eardums, it was because he knew of my happiness. He felt my pain. He knew what I was feeling at the time. That’s incredibly comforting.

He understood.

Still does.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Intro to Blogging

My neighbor is screaming at his wife. I'm woken up by the sounds of his wailing through the now apparently thin walls of my condo. It's Saturday morning, around 11:30am, and I'm trying to at least make it to noon in bed. My neighbor is not helping. I'm trying to block it out, yet I'm pulled in, trying to make out exactly what he's yelling about. It's muffled... kind of like Charlie Brown's teacher. What should I do if it gets heated? Do I have a responsibility to call the police? I'm the only one attached to them. It's a twin condo, so it's either me, or no one. That's a lot of responsibility that I did not sign up for. This is certainly not part of my association fee I pay every month.

“Aww, look at you crying! Ya gonna cry some more? Huh? HUH?”

Shit. This is getting bad. Ok, if I hear one more thing, I have to do something. Maybe bang on the wall? 911 is the nuclear button. They’ll KNOW I called. Hugh does seem like the hothead type, but I didn’t think he’d go getting into domestic disputes with his wife, Barb, on this level. I wonder if they can hear me when I’m puttering around the house? Now, I’m not causing anything close to a ruckus in my bedroom. Maybe snoring. No one has stayed the night (yet...), and throughout the rest of the house, I keep it fairly quiet, unless I’m blasting iTunes while I make dinner. Funny how there's damn near a crime on my hands, and I'm thinking about ME being a bad neighbor. I must have some serious guilt issues. I think that second "HUH" is leading me to believe this is on the brink of disaster. You get into a heated argument, and you want some answers. You yell, scream, and then you say something like, "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, huh? HUH?" The second "HUH" really means you're pissed. You're begging to hear something back, maybe as a launching pad for more vitriol, maybe to actually hear answers, or maybe you're just so frustrated that second “HUH” came spilling out. I don't know. At this point, I don't care. I do know I haven't heard one peep out of Barb yet. He's certainly not yelling at their dog, there would have been barking by now.

I go into the bathroom to find out if I can hear better. Besides the walls being thin enough to hear your neighbors screaming, a quirk/flaw of the house is that the bathroom is LESS soundproofed than the bedroom and the rest of the house. How is that possible? Wouldn't you want that to be more soundproofed? There's some foul sounds coming out of bathrooms in general. To date, I've heard some murmurs and some coughing and sneezing. But this is when I'm on the throne. You have to have the planets align just so in a case where me and Hugh have just a thin piece of sheetrock separating us from our own personal sheeting. God help me if I hear them fucking in the shower. I don't think I've ever laughed jerking off, so that would be a first.

The yelling dies down. It felt like an eternity, but really, we’re talking three to four minutes. Now silence. Maybe I can go back to sleep. Maybe State College's finest won't be called over for a dispute that will surely hit the police report (and therefore my news guy’s desk at the radio station, and therefore on my desk, since it's on my block). I get back in bed and pull the covers over me. I know I'm not going to completely fall back asleep, so now I'm just staying warm and closing my eyes. Disaster averted, confrontation avoided. Then I hear in a muffled voice...

“Are you fucking kidding me? Foul? A fucking foul?”

Foul? Is he watching basketball? At this hour? Is a game even on? Is he watching a tape? Son of a bitch. He's yelling at the TV. He was yelling at the TV the whole time. I don't know whether to be relieved or be angry. Not angry because I felt duped into thinking he was beating the crap out of his wife, angry because my slumber was woken up because he was yelling at an inanimate object! I can understand if you'e playing music. I do that a lot, and it's almost noon. But yelling at the TV? They can't hear you! I never understood why anybody yells at the TV. I'm not counting reacting in a burst of anger or joy. I'm talking about having a conversation as if the people in the picture tube could hear you. In this case, the people in the picture tube would be hard of hearing, since my neighbor is screaming at them. This extends to chastising the contestants during "Wheel of Fortune" to yelling at the movie screen during a horror flick. I don't get it. You're better off expressing your thoughts and emotions to an anonymous group on some site. Like I'm doing now. In blog form.

I didn’t really want to blog. I don’t think I have anything to say. Shit, my job is to talk to people over the air, but that’s restrictive. It follows a format, I have to promote things, and I really can’t say what’s on my mind. The cursing is a problem. I love to fucking curse. Can’t do it on the air. So, I started podcasting for the station. A better medium, I can curse, I have as much time as I want to bitch about whatever. Now there’s new restrictions I was not anticipating. I’m trying to appeal to my radio audience still (the podcast is on the station site), so I can't hit on a few topics so I don't rankle people the wrong way (i.e. religion, politics), and the cursing is only limited to what "NYPD Blue" got away with back in the day. Some of these rules were self-imposed for the greater good of attracting more people to listen. Cursing in excess would turn some people off. And I have to have something to say each week. Want to build an audience? Regular updates, topics people give a shit about, and for God's sake don't be boring! Throw in some guests, maybe take the time to edit out the dull parts, etc., etc. Do that, while doing your eighteen other jobs and responsibilities at the radio station. For free. I still do the podcasts, after a year of making them, because it's fun and I enjoy it, so it's not a burden. But that's all "Tony" time. That's radio boy. "Tony" and "Tom" are slightly different. Not much separation in personality. I'm only "Tony" because my first boss didn't like "Tom" or "Tommy" as a radio name. I didn't give a shit, I just wanted to be on the air. But there is a separation nevertheless, "Tony" and "Tom" are two different, however slight, personalities. So now I turn to blogging as an outlet... for Tom(my).

I was encouraged to start blogging after another one of my lengthy emails I spout out every so often about a weekend in question, for instance. I write and write and write and send it off to a couple friends. Aside from the obscene length of the emails, they are generally well received. "You should write a blog. You have a good voice," a friend wrote back to me. I don’t even know what that means. Sure... why not? It seems easy enough. But the idea of blogging just seems so pretentious and self-serving. "Look at me! Give me attention!" I'm guilty of that behavior from time to time, so I try to keep it to a minimum. I like the attention of cracking wise in a group setting and getting some laughs. That, I'm guilty of big time. But I'm not going on and on about some mundane topic pretending it's something you might give a shit about. I know not everybody’s blog is like. I’m just perpetuating the stereotype. Twitter has the same rap, which is true if you’re a celebrity. They’re supposed to be self-involved and we are the ones who follow their every move. If we didn’t, People magazine wouldn’t be on the shelves (Celebrities... they’re just like us!). Some of the blogs I follow though aren't like that. I do follow a humor blog, Pointless Banter, at least the Bobby Finstock entries. The others are friends. Omaha Dad, A Beautiful Mindgush, and my friend Bryan's blog. That's it (if you want to be added, do let me know, i’ll check you out). The more I think of it, maybe I’m just being a holier-than-thou prick. It shouldn't be a crime to want to write about stuff and have people enjoy it. Look at all the books you have. There ya go. Were they all driven by ego? Possibly. But you own them, read them, enjoy them. This shouldn't be any different. Is it so wrong to say "I" once in a while? It's one thing to be self-centered and think about no one but yourself. You constantly steer the conversation back to yourself so you can talk about yourself. That's annoying. I just want to tell a story. People told me I should give it a shot. I got some time to bang out a story every week or so. I heard the same thing about radio. "You have a pretty good voice for radio!" So, I'm in radio. I guess I’m easily open to suggestion. See? I've bullshitted myself into blog writing!

Crap. I just realized I have to promote this thing. And come up with a title. There should be a title to this now, but as I’m typing this, I need a title. A fancy title, a good title. Something that says “obscure reference” with “too intelligent for his own good” with a side of “I get it!”. I will not call it “Screech’s Secret Sauce.” Too easy. Or, “Going with the Vein, and Other Cries for Help”. Too emo. I’ll think of something Billy Joel (Hey, finally! A reference!) related that will surely make you roll your eyes, or something that requires an explanation (“Why did you call it ‘Picasso’s Wet Dream’?”). If you stumbled upon this at random, good for you. If you're reading this because I posted this on facebook or twitter, then that was me self-promoting. That's the catch-22. I don't want to be a shameless self-promoter, but for anyone to read this blog, it's what I have to do. Call up Al Harrington and get me one of those wacky arm guy things. In the future, please ignore the typos and the insecurity.